surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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