We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
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