Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
