i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
