Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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