i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
