had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
