I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
