Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
