you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
