he shaved USA in his pubs
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
