he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
