The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
