remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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