MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
FUCK WHALES
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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