I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Holy sore nipples Batman
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
