If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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