Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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