Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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