Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She's the barista slut.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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