Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
