I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
