The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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