Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
