i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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