I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
