First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
