would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
