My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
