oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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