I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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