I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
