Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize