Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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