I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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