The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
