Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My pussy is not your playground.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize