This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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