I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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