A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
