I'm eating all of the evidence.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize