just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
