I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize