Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
