you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
