i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
