I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
