I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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