He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
