It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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