before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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