Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
