Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
