If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
