if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize