get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
