I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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