I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
