I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
