you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
