Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
