How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
