On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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